I’m aware that it has been 3 days since the actual New Year’s celebration, but I haven’t properly gathered my thoughts enough to write a decent post and I’d rather post the entry late than start the year with a crappy first post. Although I don’t have it all together, as of writing, I think I know what I’d like to write about more or less, so here it goes.
FIRST OF ALL, I would like to greet each and every one of you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR! Given that the greeting is already days late, I hope all of you have been enjoying this year, so far. Honestly, my days have been pretty normal, but I’m quite determined to make 2019 my year.
But before that, let me look back for the last time at the year that was mine, 2018. Last year was a particularly tougher year, I’d say. I failed a majors class that because I gave up on it early on when I could’ve gave it a lot more effort. And BECAUSE of that, I am now delayed by a year (meaning: I will be graduating a year later than expected). My grandfather died five days after my birthday, then my grandfather’s sister’s husband died about a month after.
The first few months of my fourth year were really challenging times because my mom and I fought more than we usually did and I couldn’t deal with the fact that I wasn’t as accomplished and goal-driven as I was in high school. I wasn’t the person who could write kind-of good poems and short stories. I remember breaking down and crying one night with no one to talk to because I was reading a poem that I had written months before and felt that I didn’t know who I was anymore. It felt like I wasn’t myself anymore. And, towards the end of the semester, I disappointed my groupmates and ended up giving them a VERY difficult time because I wasn’t able to help them as much as I should have with our project.
Yes, it would seem like 2018 was a bad year for me, but that couldn’t be more further to the truth that I now believe. It was very challenging, yes, but I am beyond thankful to God for the experiences I was able to have, the people I was able to meet, get to know more, and become close with, and the lessons that I was able to learn. Of course, I have ways to go before becoming the smart, strong, independent woman that I’d like to be in the future, but I’d like to say that I’m a few small steps closer to that, at least.
A few of the MANY MANY things that God blessed me with last year were the following. Note that these are just a couple of my favorites and God is so good that even if I didn’t deserve any of these, He still blessed me with these amazing graces.
- I was able to find my home and family in the university which is my new organization. I think I wrote about applying for it during the first half of the year and, though I’m not sure how prevalent it was in any of my other posts, the family I found there pretty much made my days last year. I especially enjoy eating out with them and being able to play card games and board games at our place, but just being around them on a normal day even when everyone’s busy doing their own thing, make me feel at home. Going to our place and being with you all has been the highlight of my days last year. Thank you.
- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I love my high school best friend (if you’re reading this, you’d know this is you). Even though we don’t see each other as often as we did back then, she never fails to have my back. We’re super alike in so many ways to the point where we’re actually both unlucky in the love department (who says that tho??), but the only difference is that she’s something like a guy magnet (yes, that’s a thing, and that’s her) and I’m not. Aside from family, she is my favorite person and I am blessed to have her as my best friend. JUST TO CLARIFY, we love each other so much in a platonic level. I’m very excited to have double dates with her and our special someones.
- Last 2017, I was blessed to meet a new friend who, flash forward to 2018, would be someone who would help me grow closer to Jesus Christ and would continuously guide me in improving my relationship with Him. I don’t know if she knows that I have a blog (well, I’m probably going to tell her soon), but I am very very thankful for having her as a sort of older sister and disciple-r figure for me. To this person, thank you for accompanying me to lunches, for teaching me more about His word, for giving me the rational kind of advice that I need in an almost day-to-day basis, and simply for listening to my rants and life stories. Sorry I haven’t legit started on the book of John yet, but I will SOON.
- I was actually supposed to cross register into another campus last summer, but due to the circumstances, I wasn’t able to do so. BUT I am very happy with how I was able to spend that summer with my wonderful Philosophy professors, my classmates, and ESPECIALLY my groupmates. Though we weren’t able to disprove our professor’s theory, I still very much would like to have them continue to be part of my life. We’re really different in terms of background, colleges, courses, personality, and the like but I’d say that’s what makes it more fun. Thank you for being the summer plot twist of 2018. I miss you all very dearly and I hope we can all get together soon.
- And, though I wasn’t able to write about it here, I was actually EXEMPTED from taking my Engineering Statics final exam. I’m not actually sure how often I wrote about it, but it’s a class I took THREE TIMES. The first time, I had the wrong “footing” and it was either I dropped the class or failed it. So I decided to drop it (which is a pretty good decision, considering I failed two classes that semester). The second time, I had this amazing professor, but I still wasn’t able to properly grasp the lessons, so I failed. Though I did pass two out of those four exams and I only needed 7 more correct answers to have passed that time, BUT I’m pretty okay with my taking the third time because I really need to master the lessons and if I had passed that, I think I would’ve had a hard time with the next classes that I have to take. And lastly, the third time: I had a great professor who was very approachable. I took it with my college best friend and a friend that I met during my days as a Philosophy major (aka during the “semester of enlightenment”, his words not mine). AND I GOT EXEMPTED!
Again, I really don’t deserve any of the things above and any of the things I was blessed with last year, but God is merciful and generous in giving His graces. To God be the glory forever and ever.
NOW we can finally get to the part where I talk about how I see myself in this coming year. If you’d like to have a CR break, then goahead. It’s fine. Let’s play one of my favorite videos from last year while we wait here for you.
Last year’s word of the year was “Challenge” and, though I wasn’t always able to give my best in dealing with the challenges I was faced with, I was definitely able to get to know myself better, how poorly I dealt with some of the challenges, and the points for improvement I need to become a better version of myself.
This 2019, my word of the year is Unleash. In one of the year-end messages that I received from acquaintances, they mentioned that I “definitely have a lot of potential” and, since then, I’ve decided that this year will be the year that I exceed myself and unleash that potential within me. Potential isn’t really something that’s of value to me unless I act upon it. And that’s what I plan to do this year. Of course, responsibility, accountability, and time management, above other things, come along with that.
Honestly, I’m going to need the support of my family and friends as much, if not more, as I needed it during the previous years of my life. I am 100% sure that the upcoming semester is going to be one heck of a ride, especially since I’m retaking the ESSENTIAL majors class I failed last year, two other VERY IMPORTANT majors classes, Mechanics of Deformable Bodies, and at least one more Engineering disciple class. Aside from Academics, of course there’s the much awaited College Week (ONE!) and other “possibilities”.
With regards to the BIG decision I have to make, I’ve thought about it long and hard every day for the past two weeks or so and I’m choosing to STAY. It’s really hard to close such an alluring possibility of a future with them, but I’m going to have to stick to the decisions I made back in 2015, no matter how much I feel like I don’t belong and no matter how replaceable I feel. Why? That night, while everybody was “going back home” and celebrating, I was contemplating on why I was even there and how it didn’t matter if I were to go. I remember thinking whether I should move to the other, but I didn’t have as strong and valid reasons back then as I do now. I guess the most important factor is that I already have the family (in the university, of course) I was so badly craving for that night. I already have a home that I get to go back to when I feel lost, sad, confused, sleepy, and happy. With that home in my heart now, I don’t think I can risk joining another if it means not getting to spend as much time with my home as I did last year.
To make the long story short, I’m choosing to stay despite of having regrets because I’ve already found my home . With the love and support they give me, along with those of my family and friends, I can continue to stay in the place where, even though I feel like an outsider, I am constantly being challenged to step up my game and give my best in my projects because of all the extremely passionate people I am surrounded by. My heart will always be with the ones I found my home with, but I think I also need this decision for myself. I really hope that I’ll feel a little bit more belong with them.. with effort. This is goodbye to that other possibility. You will always (probably) be my biggest “what if” of my college life
And this is the end of my rather lengthy “Happy New Year’s” post! I’m really excited for everything that God has in store for me this 2019, whether it’s a good or bad because I hope to grow from it either way. With that, let me leave you with a few quotes from Dr. Seuss and some of my favorite Bible verses. Again, HAPPY NEW YEAR! And let’s slay 2019 together with love! ❤
(I do not own the video and the images above. Credits to their rightful owners.)
LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE. 2019.
P.S. I’m turning 21 this year. WHAAAAAT??
P.P.S. Also, this will probably be my last low-key post. I’ve moved on yay!